The blog incarnation of the Desperado mailing list, the voice of the apocryphalypse since 1978.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I think I'm going out of my head
Great! We've shown those barbarian terrorists how a beheading should be done!
The problem amateur hangmen have with pulling the head off is well understood. Professional executioners use tables to compute the drop based on the weight of the person being dropped. See Charles Duff's A Handbook on Hanging for full details and instructions.
No, the video hasn't been shown yet, but how long do you think it will take?
My home state of Georgia is where the foundation of modern popular music was laid: Little Richard, Ray Charles, and James Brown. And many more.
And then, there's Weeping Tommy Brown. You've never heard of him, but you can be pretty sure that Richard, and Ray, and James had heard of him. He brought the crying, weeping, scream into modern music, before Johnny Ray, before Little Richard, before anyone else he was delivering unhinged grief over lost love. Soul in music, you might say, in 1949.
I saw him in 1957. He sang his heart out so completely that he collapsed to the floor. While the band vamped behind him, an attendant came out and helped him to his feet and, as Tommy Brown recovered, the realization of his loss overcame him and the screaming returned. He tried to leave the stage, but he couldn't abandon his anguish. He sang the chorus of "Weeping and Crying" again and again, falling, rising, falling again, until finally, he tumbled from the stage!
The band dropped out. The spotlight sent out its feelers and finally shone against the front of the stage. An arm appeared, twisted in anguish, reaching, grasping, the band boomed out, and, amazingly, Tommy Brown rose from the floor, clawed his way back on the stage, and sang the chorus one more time before leaving at last, emotionally exhausted, as were we all.
He healed nothing. He performed the last step in the coverup of Republican malfeasance. This is a job best done by an honest decent chap. I wonder who they have lined up to step in when the administration of George W. "W" Bush is on the run. They're pretty low on honest decent chaps these days.
Don't forget that without any investigation or oversight by either Congress or press, the President's own Supreme Court concluded in the Hamdan v. Rumsfeld decision that the administration had committed war crimes. Imagine what would turn up if we actually start looking. Imagine what might have turned up if only they'd kept looking back then.
The once-new words weapons of mass destruction meant, not "They have atomic weapons", but only, "If we can just find one container of mustard gas, no one will ever complain." Of course, they didn't find it and now they aren't even looking any more.
The new word surge means, not "a temporary buildup to take us over the top", but rather, "a permanent escalation in troops sent to Iraq and a permanent increase in the size of the army".
Humpty Dumpty, before he had that tragic fall, which all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't set right, developed a reputation as a political linguist:
'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone,' it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less.'
'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you can make words mean so many different things.'
'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master - that's all.'
Alice was too much puzzled to say anything; so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. 'They've a temper, some of them - particularly verbs: they're the proudest - adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs - however, I can manage the whole lot of them! Impenetrability! That's what I say!'
'Would you tell me, please,' said Alice, 'what that means?'
'Now you talk like a reasonable child,' said Humpty Dumpty, looking very much pleased. 'I meant by "impenetrability" that we've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life.'
'That's a great deal to make one word mean,' Alice said in a thoughtful tone.
'When I make a word do a lot of work like that,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'I always pay it extra.'
'Oh!' said Alice. She was too much puzzled to make any other remark.
Don't like that plan? Here's another! Stunningly cunning!
Okay, boys, we bring in 20,000 extra troops to Iraq. That'll tip the balance, because 140,000 troops and 100,000 contractors just aren't enough to spread thin. And if those cowardly traitors in the Pentagon don't think we know what we're gonna do with them, here it is: We'll wipe out the Shia militia.
That's actually two attacks for the price of one, because not only will the elimination of the Shia militia totally pacify and democratize Iraq, it will also weaken our new enemy, Iran, which is also filled with Shi'ites.