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Desperado

The blog incarnation of the Desperado mailing list, the voice of the apocryphalypse since 1978.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Are you sure Mussolini did it this way? 


Another ruthless worthless dictator. Another lamppost. Another hanging in the public square.
posted by Tom  # 12/30/2006 04:25:00 PM
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

On the Humpty Dumpty front 


Beware of all enterprises that require new words.

The once-new words weapons of mass destruction meant, not "They have atomic weapons", but only, "If we can just find one container of mustard gas, no one will ever complain." Of course, they didn't find it and now they aren't even looking any more.

The new word surge means, not "a temporary buildup to take us over the top", but rather, "a permanent escalation in troops sent to Iraq and a permanent increase in the size of the army".

Humpty Dumpty, before he had that tragic fall, which all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't set right, developed a reputation as a political linguist:
'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone,' it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less.'

'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you can make words mean so many different things.'

'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master - that's all.'

Alice was too much puzzled to say anything; so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. 'They've a temper, some of them - particularly verbs: they're the proudest - adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs - however, I can manage the whole lot of them! Impenetrability! That's what I say!'

'Would you tell me, please,' said Alice, 'what that means?'

'Now you talk like a reasonable child,' said Humpty Dumpty, looking very much pleased. 'I meant by "impenetrability" that we've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life.'

'That's a great deal to make one word mean,' Alice said in a thoughtful tone.

'When I make a word do a lot of work like that,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'I always pay it extra.'

'Oh!' said Alice. She was too much puzzled to make any other remark.

posted by Tom  # 12/26/2006 01:59:00 PM
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Friday, December 22, 2006

Don't like that plan? Here's another! Stunningly cunning! 


Okay, boys, we bring in 20,000 extra troops to Iraq. That'll tip the balance, because 140,000 troops and 100,000 contractors just aren't enough to spread thin. And if those cowardly traitors in the Pentagon don't think we know what we're gonna do with them, here it is: We'll wipe out the Shia militia.

That's actually two attacks for the price of one, because not only will the elimination of the Shia militia totally pacify and democratize Iraq, it will also weaken our new enemy, Iran, which is also filled with Shi'ites.

They won't know what hit them. Damn! Brilliant!
posted by Tom  # 12/22/2006 11:57:00 AM
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Monday, December 18, 2006

Another cunninger plan, the cunningerest ever 



Speaking of cunning plans, the new double-or-nothing plan for Iraq is another corker:
  1. Get back control of Iraq by seizing control of Baghdad. Then, presumably . . .
  2. Get back control of Baghdad by seizing control of the Green Zone.
  3. Get back control of the Green Zone by seizing control of the US Embassy. And, triumphantly . . .
  4. Get back control of the US Embassy by seizing control of a helicopter landing skid.

posted by Tom  # 12/18/2006 02:13:00 PM
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Monday, December 11, 2006

Another cunning plan, the cunningest ever 


Here's your Iraq Study Group and their plan:
  1. This is the most godawful strategic cockup in American history.
  2. Let's keep doing exactly what we were doing when we got in this mess, at least for two more years.
  3. Then we'll pull out all our combat troops and leave the unarmed troops behind, surrounded.
Great ideas, oh wise men, just great . . .
"In short, a German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans."
"You look surprised, Blackadder."
"I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans."
The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that, sir?
Edmund: It was bollocks.
Edmund: Baldrick, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, the worst and most contemptible plan in the history of the universe. On the other hand, I hear the sound of disembowelling cutlasses being sharpened, and it's the only plan we've got, so if you will excuse me, gentlemen...

posted by Tom  # 12/11/2006 12:38:00 PM
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